Alayna.



She is doing so well, it is frightening! :) BUT she is extremely submissive and obedient and you can tell it is coming from a place of GREAT fear and it is NOT normal. I am afraid that the mom where she was told her that if she was not perfect, that she would be back out the door and off to another family somewhere. Alayna told us that the woman told her I was a liar and that we were not a good family that could be trusted, because of the movies we have allowed our children to watch. (?) The kids put in a Disney video and A. runs out of the room crying! Oh boy, it is hard not to give the folks at the agency a piece of my mind. I am letting Scott handle this, as he is much more stable than I am in situations involving my children........AND they now want $1,200 for fees for respite care to this woman who scared my daughter to death with all of the different things that she got punished for. They also want fees for post placement visits to a social worker, and travel, and agency fees. We are shocked and saddened, as this was a Christian agency who advertises that they do this all for FREE. It is their service and their 'ministry' to help parents and kids who are struggling! But because we broke the 'contract' which was not binding in any way, as we never went before a judge, or relinquished, (and Scott never even signed it), they are threatening us with this. I learned more about the owner of the agency as we went along in this, and she broke some of her own rules, placing A. in another family after the first one changed their mind, without speaking to us first or asking for our consent. Their 'contract' says that they must give us two weeks' advance notice in writing before they ever move our child to a different home. She also told us that they do not do OPEN adoptions, after she agreed that it would be harmful to keep Alayna from hearing from us at all. That was the point of contention between us and the 'respite' provider, when we wanted to take Alayna to McDonald's to get her alone to see how she was doing when we went to visit her on New Year's Eve. That was the first red flag, as the mom nearly went berserk on me as I took her against the woman's will. Alayna's eyes filled with tears whenever I asked her a question that day. I KNEW that she was scared of the mom and that I wanted to bring her home that day, but Scott wanted me to leave her, and not make a quick decision and pray about it with him first. The respite mom probably was scared that A. would tell me all of the hardcore things she was doing with Alayna, and was probably worried that it would not go so well when I found out the truth....GRRRRR.........oh my, I have learned so much. My kids are my kids FOREVER. I thought I could give her up, and I missed her so much after the first two weeks that it was painful. Why? She made me nuts every day of the week, but she IS MY DAUGHTER. Nobody loves her like I do. She kept telling the respite mom that she wanted her REAL Mommy. Oh, that hurt my heart when the mom would tell me that, as I never even knew that she really thought that way of me. She rejected me so often and asked to have a new family every week. She was just pretending, still trying to protect herself after all of these long years...........when Whit and I visited her she jumped through the door and into my arms and shook and cried and could hardly breathe. I will NEVER listen to Scott's voice of reason when my HEART knows differently again. We have agreed to disagree on that one! :) I know if he had seen the scene that day he would have agreed, and she would have come home then. The respite mom kept saying that her other brain damaged daughter from Haiti would not be okay if she could not prepare her first for a day or so, and that we would selfishly be traumatizing another child if we took her then and there. I am tired of being a 'nice guy' and I am over it. Live and learn, once again. Two days later, Scott went to bring her home, and the woman called me three times to threaten me and ask why I was not the one coming to pick up Alayna. Of course when Scott and 25 year old Michael arrived at her door she was all smiles for them.

I think the message here is that you must hold on to your kids, especially the tough ones, and don't let the enemy or anyone else tell you that maybe you just aren't the right mommy for them, or that someone else knows how to do the job better. I believed the mom who told me that she was the perfect mom for Alayna, as she had done it before with a demon possessed daughter from Haiti, and that GOD told her that Alayna was HER daughter and not ours. We must be CAREFUL, as the enemy will use all kinds of people to harm your kids. This is such a fallen world. It is so scary that I trusted these people to care for my child, when I know it was just that I was so worn down and battle weary.......it is at those times when we must HOLD ON to the ONE who is able to battle for us. That is what I have learned. When I get scared, I start to think I must do all of this in my own power. Silly me!